Just got this email ... had to share it. It is pretty funny.
Fine Tuning at Quantas Airlines
After each flight, airline pilots fill out a form called a 'gripe sheet'. This informs the mechanic of problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanic reads and corrects the problem, noting what,
if any, remedial action was taken. The pilot then reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
These maintenance complaints and resolutions were submitted
by pilots and maintenance engineers at Quantas Airlines. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem
S = The solution
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Tools for Wizardry(r) 7